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MARRIAGE


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!


Posted September 16, 2017
MARRIAGE


Early one morning a NEW husband wakes up and asks his wife: "Would you like to join me for jogging? "

Wife: "Ohh..So you mean to say I am fat?"

Hubby: "No. Jogging is good for health."

Wife: "Oh.. that means I am sick."

Hubby: "No No. If you don't want to get up, then it's OK."

Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, right?"

Hubby: "NO. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean that"
Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you because I'm an illiterate, right?"

Hubby: "Now look I didn't say that."

Wife: "So am I lying? "

Hubby: I beg you, please don't stretch this matter any further, it's so early in the morning."

Wife: "Oh, now so I am a quarrelsome nag, am I?

Hubby: "OK OK.. You go off to sleep. I am going jogging alone. Happy now??"

Wife: "You always go alone everywhere and enjoy yourself."

Hubby: "Please, please.. I am feeling giddy now.."

Wife: "See? You are so selfish. You always think of yourself alone. You never think of my health."

Husband is now sitting and thinking where he went wrong!!!


Posted September 7, 2017
RASTAMAN AT THE BANK


A Rastaman goes to a bank with a 25 kilogram bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier.

Shocked, the cashier asks "What's this for?"

The Rastaman replies "I man is here to open a joint account."


Posted September 7, 2017
LEROY SMART


A Jamaican teacher asked Leroy to describe the word "deceitful".

Leroy said "It's when there are no more seats on the bus".

Posted September 7, 2017
CHECK YOURSELF


Four facts about You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You
1. You're so lazy You didn't read all the You's.
2. You didn't notice I put a Yoo.
3. You are now looking to find out.
4. You are laughing because you realise there is no 'Yoo' and you've been tricked.

I know at least 9 more things about you now:
1. You are now reading this
2. You are human
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips
4. You just attempted to do it
5. You are laughing at yourself
6. You have smiles on your face
7. You skipped No.5
8. You just checked to see if there is a No.5
9. You are laughing at this because I caught you, again.
Hahaha is it true? ??????

Posted September 7, 2017
SCARED IN THE CEMETARY


 Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor & decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

 One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

 As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

 Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U".....

 He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.......................

 "Father, pls come with me . Come & witness God & satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"......

 They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U'............

 Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
 "What About The Two At The Gate?"...........

 You should see the marathon.........

The priest almost ran pass the church gate shouting:"We Are Not Dead Yet oohh!!!".


Posted September 15, 2016
THE PARROT AND THE FRENCHMAN

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

Posted June 3, 2016
FISHING FOR WHISKEY

"Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Posted June 3, 2016
TIT FOR TAT

A husband with a problem decided to try a bold way to handle the situation, so he sat down and wrote the folowing letter and left it on the kitchen counter.

"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight".

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow".

Posted June 3, 2016
FAST DRIVER

Three drunken Jamaican men stop a taxi. The driver figured that they were not in their right minds so he just switched on the engine an then switched it back off an said "wi reach!!"

The 1st man gave him money, the 2nd said "tanks" an the 3rd give him one rasss box an seh "next time no drive so fast, U cudda kill wi dead!"

Posted May 20, 2016
DIVIDING THE OFFERING

Three pastors in a certain denomination - an American, Chinese and a Jamaican - were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in an open box- go outside- take a stick and draw a line on the ground and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in open box, I don't draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw no circle,  mi naw draw no line. All I do is fling de money inna de air....whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop pon de grouwn a fi mi".

Posted July 20, 2015
JAH WILL SAVE ME

A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently.

After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left.

A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."

Alas, the Ras drowned.

When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?" "Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Posted July 20, 2015
Good Reason

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Posted July 29, 2015
DR. GEEZER & DR. YOUNG ..
 An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me??

Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young:  "Oh no you don't, that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak and I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so --
" Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story:
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer"!!!!

Posted July 20, 2015
The Crying Man

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! "

Posted June 19, 2015
A MOTHER'S INTUITION

A white mother visits her son for dinner. He just happens to live with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his black roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two of them, and this encounter had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was a bit more between he and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, her son quickly volunteered a disclaimer,
"I know what you must be thinking Mom, but I assure you, we are really just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her anyway, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote: "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver plate from my house, but I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver plate... the fact remains that it has been missing... ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your Son."

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your gorgeous roommate,
and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN BED, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Your Mom."

Posted June 19, 2015
JAMAICAN LOVE POEM

You're the ackee in my saltfish  
Condensed milk in my tea  
The patty in my coco bread  
Without you there is no me.  

Just like coconut water  
You're good for my heart  
And Mr.Wray without his nephew  
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me  
Like banana leaf on blue draws  
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you  
You know that I am all yours.

I want to be with you always  
Like when tin milk get short  
An dem marry it  to de mackerel  
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday  
Mango in the summertime  
I can't get enough of you  
Please tell me you will be mine.  


|Author: Rasta Shakespeare|


Posted May 29, 2015
The Pompous Tourist


A pompous & self righteous American tourist asked a boat guy from Jamaica,
"do you  know Biology, Psychology, Geology, Geography or Criminology?" the
boat guy said "no I don't know any of these".

The tourist then said, "what the hell do you know on the face of this Earth?
you will die of illiteracy!"

The boat guy said nothing.

After a while the boat developed a fault & started sinking, the boat guy
then asked the tourist, "do you know Swimiology & Escapeology from
Crocodiology?" The tourist said "no",

The boat guy replied, "well today you will Drownology & Crocodiology will
eat your Assology, I will not helpology & you will Dieology because of your
bad Mouthology!"

Breaking up

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Just cut your hair first

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Forget about it


An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
3 West Indians in their Caskets

           Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?

          The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."

          The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

          The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
Trini Again

    On a BWIA flight from New York to Trinidad, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning.

    A yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses iit completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling at the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds, "Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this planewho can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??"

    For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate yankee woman in the front of the plane.

    Then, a Trini man stands up in the rear of the plane. "Ah could make yuh feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice.

    He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Trini man could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

    "Iron dis fuh meh, nah?"
A Mental Test

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the  bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Ah Cuss Out De Boss


   Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their boss that he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me."
Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot.
That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."
Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Til Death Do Us Part

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How
many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," Little Johnny responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," Little Johnny said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

Homework

Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was really worried. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Baptising  A Drunk


    A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

    He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

    The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

    The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

    The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and  asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

    The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.  

    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
    (get ready for this.....)

    The drunk staggers upright, wipes  his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,     "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Only a Farm Kid

 When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.   A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town" said the boy.
 "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.  
 "No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
 It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".  
The boy thought for a moment...
 "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Him never call I
A Rasta man & his fren went swimming. The fren was drowning. He shout "Jah, help I!".

He came up the second time & shout "Selassi, save I!".

He came up the third time & shout "Jesus my Lord, have mercy on Ur son!"

He drowned.

The police came to investigate. He ask the fren "wat happen? Y u didn't save him?"

The fren said "offisa, him call Jah; him call Selassi; him call Jesus Christ & him see mi sit down right ya soh and him never call I!"
Old Henry

Martha, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Martha's house...walked home.... and left it there all night.
The Goldfish

Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. This kid was always good for a laugh. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed, "and I've just buried him."

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a little Goldfish, don't you think?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
The Mental Asylum

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Looking for The Wife


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide.  The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Jamaican Lawyer


A Jamaican-born lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not his total self, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Only a Jamaican
(Your chuckle for today)
Mi hear seh dem a mek a change next Holimpicks, dem a go sound a buzzer fi start de race cause dem come to realize say a GUN shot a wah reely mek Jamaicans run so ratid fast.........

IOC investigating suspicious items found in rooms of Caribbean athletes!!

Microsoft Office Word Document
Microsoft Office Word Document
August 2012
THE TWO DOLLAR BARGAIN

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation: "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
IDIOT NAMES

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew".
BRAGGING RIGHTS


A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
RASTAMAN

Rastaman knock pon di door.

A woman inside seh: "A who dat?"

Rastaman: "I and I, Jah Rastafari, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Son of Haile Selassie I."

The woman inside replied: "A me one dey yah an mi nah open de door fe so much a oonu."
DIVIDING THE OFFERING

Three pastors in a certain denomination - an American, Chinese and a Jamaican - were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in an open box- go outside- take a stick and draw a line on the ground and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in open box, I don't draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw no circle,  mi naw draw no line. All I do is fling de money inna de air....whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop pon de grouwn a fi mi".

Looking Good

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
The Taxi Driver

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'
Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Going crazy with confusion

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
What will the neighbors think?

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
The Jamaican On A Ship
An American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"

The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.

The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.

Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find dat if yu tink yu bad!!! "
A Duppy or an Ediat?

This is a true incident that happened in MoBay about a month ago.

A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.

Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.

The car moved slowly.  He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared ,he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified.

Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.  

Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and asked for a double whites. After drinking it, he told every one of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.

About half an hour later, two men came walking into the bar and, on seeing the terrified man, one said to the other: "Yow John, nuh di ediat dat wha jump inna di car while wi did a push it?"

9-11-11
The Jamaican Contractor

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.
One from America, another from Mexico and the third from Jamaica.  They go with a White House official to examine the fence.  The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a Calculator.
'Well', he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Jamaican contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
"That's ridiculous", says the official, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Jamaican contractor whispers back, "Just cool man, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Mexico to fix the fence."

The official asks, "How soon can you start?"
 Thomas Cook Holiday Survey responses

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays, listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."   

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."  

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."  

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."  

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."  

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."   
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Great One Liners

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
       Dr: Get married.
       Man: Will it help?
       Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
       Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
The Old Dog

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer,
along for the company.
One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old dog thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was
close! That old dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Crazy people talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
  Try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"
What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Advice to an old guy

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"

Psalm 23 - Jamaican Way

From mi brethren ...... "Tank ya Lord, fah mak mi ah walk good."


De Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi.

Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.

Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Ah Him ah 'top mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting...

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place,
an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy,
so mi no haffi go ah prison an' live 'mongst ah bag ah b----man or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back,
some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah howl body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time,
mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self,
though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi,
a check woulda help out some time.

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday:
Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.

So Tank Yuh Lord, Amen!
DANGEROUS WATERS


An old man owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, which he fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go check out the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all scrambled to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"
YOUR PARROT IS DEAD


At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, boss? This is Leroy, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Leroy. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, boss, that your parrot, he is dead.'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'

'yes boss, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, boss.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, boss.'

'My prize thoroughbred that won the Cockspur Gold cup?'

'Yes, boss.  He died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, boss.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'

'Yes, boss.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, boss.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, boss, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your cricket bat the one which was autographed by Sobers, Lara and Viv.

THEN THERE IS SILENCE...A LONG SILENCE FINALLY THE BOSS SPEAKS QUIETLY,

'Leroy, if you bruck me bat, you in nuff rasshole trouble!'

I HATE SHOPPING


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Norris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Norris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

West Indian Lingo

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guin get a driver’s license,” he answered.

“Oh, doh listen to him,” yelled the Trini woman in the passenger’s seat…”He a smart ass when he drunk.”

This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,”A cud tell we was not getin far in dis thiefin kar.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, “Yow!, I man mek it Crass di barder yet?”

They all were very nervous.

The patrolman said, “I always loved the island music but never understood the words. Here’s your voucher, have a nice day”.
Whole of Yu Life

A pastor visiting from England asked a Jamaican dread to carry him fishing one day. Before beginning their journey the pastor asked if the dread prayed. “No iyah, man no fi pray”, replied the dread.

“Quarter of you life gone my brother, quarter of you life gaun”, answered the pastor and they took off on the dread’s boat.

At lunchtime the pastor took out his lunch to eat and asked the dread if he ate pork. “No iyah, man nuh fi eat pork”, replied the dread. “Hauf of you life gone my brother, hauf of you life gaun”, answered the pastor in return.

After a while the boat developed problems and started to sink. The dread asked the pastor: “Can you swim?” The pastor replied: “No I can’t swim”.

To this the dread said (feigning the English accent): “Well…whole of your life gaun my brother, whole of your life gone!”
The Last Meal

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"

"Yes, plums" says the Bajan.

The warden replies, "but them outa season!"

"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."  
Bwoy ... Go Get Yuh Moddah

A boy and his father from the Caribbean were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son,
"Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"  
Ah Cuss Out De Boss

  Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their boss that he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time.

The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me."
    Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?".

So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot.
    That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier.

Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."  
Women and Men

Rupert Jones dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

 "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," Rupert says. "Why did you make women so nice?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

 "OK," Rupert says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

Rupert ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
How to tell the sex of a fly

 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her  husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

 'What are you doing?'  She asked.
 'Hunting Flies'  He responded.
 'Oh. ! Killing any?'  She asked.
 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

 Intrigued, she asked 'How can you tell them apart?'

 He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else
in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's  only $1,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN:  'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN:  'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 Models.  I saw one I really liked.'

MAN:  'How much?'

WOMAN:  '$90,000'

MAN:  'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN:  'Great!  Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN:  'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.  They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN:  'OK.  I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks:   'Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?'
A JAMAICAN CHRISTIAN!!!

A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe beers and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, 'You know, a beer goes flat after you draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'  

The Jamaican replies, 'Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised fi drink this way to remember the days when we drank in Jamaica. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there.

The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:  He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender say, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no no, everyone's fine, 'He explains,' It's just that I became a christian, and I personally had to stop drinking.'
Husband Training

The couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'  The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America' .  We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled  again.. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.'

SMART ADVICE

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."


NEED FOR SPEED


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.




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